See, I think the one on the left is cuter.Really.
I very rarely blog on a "theme" or main topic, but just recently I came up against a topic on someone else's blog that I feel deserves discussion: Maternity vs. Those who choose the child-free life.
I was reading Dooce.com, whose author Heather participates in video blogging on something called "Momversations". Apparently there is a website and group called "Child Free By Choice", which I also went to check out. The "mommy bloggers" and the "child free bloggers" are at odds, which is not all that surprising. The mommies are mad at the child-frees for wanting public places that do not allow children. The child-frees are mad at the mommies for getting maternity leave at work when they don't get time off for pursuing other valid life goals.
As a forty-two year old woman who has chosen not to have children, I find myself walking straight down the middle of this divide. Perhaps that is because my decision not to have children was fueled more by the advanced age at which I got married, alongside my consistent state of financial instability. Some child-free folks have made their decision based on bad childhood experiences of their own, domestic violence witnessed between their parents, or fears stemming from illness or disease running in the family.
If Bear and I had gotten married when we met in 1989, and retained the high-paying jobs we had at the time, perhaps things would have been different. Perhaps there would have been the patter of little cub-feet down the hall.
However, I must say that having children was never a goal of mine. I never dreamed of having a family, and pretty much planned on staying single my whole life. A desire to retain my inner child and the freedom to jump up and go where I want when I want has pretty much remained the chorus of my anthem.
I don't dislike kids as a rule - as a matter of fact, I have more often than not ended up with all the kids following me around at company picnics, because I'm the only one that will talk to them like real people and play games with them while their parents swill beer and eat barbecue. I enjoy holding babies, and kids are kind of fun - as long as someone else takes them home.
When I am in a public place and children are around, I find that most often it is not the children that irk me, it's the parents. Parents who don't step up to the plate and discipline their kids are not only doing a disservice to the rest of us who are trying to enjoy the movie/store/park/restaurant/whatever - they are doing major damage to the child who will grow up thinking that they are, in fact, the center of the universe, and that the rest of us are here merely to cater to their every whim. It's a cold hard world and kids that are allowed to run amok will learn the hard way from hard people one day, if their parents don't care enough to teach them how to act while they have them at home.
I have found myself in the odd situation where complete strangers have called me selfish to my face after asking me the extremely personal question of whether I have children or not. I have not yet come to understand how my choice not to have children deprives these people of something. Which it would have to do, if I was being "selfish".
To my way of thinking, my choice not to have children is actually the least selfish thing I could do. I am choosing not to add people to this already overcrowded planet. I am choosing not to bring a person into this world whom I am not able to adequately provide for. If I had the financial stability that caring for a child requires, I would certainly adopt a child before I would have one of my own. The way I see it, there are already so many children that are here - so many that need love, need parents, need everything. I will admit that the women on those reality shows popping entire baseball teams out of their vaginas make me more than a little sick.
Some of the benefits of being child-free that I enjoy are:
* My husband and I are completely focused on each other. Our love is not diluted or distracted or divided - and we can express our love whenever we wish, in whatever way we wish, in any room that we wish, as loudly as we wish. It's like the best sleepover party ever, and it will last as long as we do.
* I am free to read, sleep, eat, and enjoy my free time without encumbrance.
* I am completely unaffected by the world of PTA/BabiesRUs/babysitters/Barney/prom night bashes/mini-skirt and makeup wars/underage drinking and drug probems, and am unutterably happy to be so.
Some of the things that may not be so great about being child-free are:
* I wonder who will spend time with me when I am old, or care for me when I am aged. Not that having kids guarantees that they will not turn out to be arseholes and leave you alone anyway... but not having kids pretty much guarantees that no one will be around when your teeth are falling out.
* Almost every man that I have ever loved has given another woman children, either before or after we were together. I think that has added to my desire to remain child-free. It sets me apart.
* I think I would probably have been a good mom, and I will always wonder what that experience would have been like.
Another thing which puts me in the middle of the road as opposed to on one side or the other is that just because I choose not to have kids myself does not mean that I hate other people who choose to be parents. Obviously the human race would not continue if everyone stopped having children. That's just silly. And I don't see any reason that I should go around sporting "pro child-free lifestyle" tee shirts, hats, or bumper stickers. All of that crap just serves to create hatred and stir up judgemental behavior. It doesn't make any sense to become intolerant of other people's choices when their intolerance irritates me. Becoming part of the problem does not fix the problem.
I do wish that people would only have kids after loving, careful consideration, however. Mindless procreation by people incapable or unconcerned with caring for the children is, in my mind, a crime against the children and against society. People that have children to "save" a marriage, or to get attention from other people, or to use them as pets or accessories are all too common.
I was reading Dooce.com, whose author Heather participates in video blogging on something called "Momversations". Apparently there is a website and group called "Child Free By Choice", which I also went to check out. The "mommy bloggers" and the "child free bloggers" are at odds, which is not all that surprising. The mommies are mad at the child-frees for wanting public places that do not allow children. The child-frees are mad at the mommies for getting maternity leave at work when they don't get time off for pursuing other valid life goals.
As a forty-two year old woman who has chosen not to have children, I find myself walking straight down the middle of this divide. Perhaps that is because my decision not to have children was fueled more by the advanced age at which I got married, alongside my consistent state of financial instability. Some child-free folks have made their decision based on bad childhood experiences of their own, domestic violence witnessed between their parents, or fears stemming from illness or disease running in the family.
If Bear and I had gotten married when we met in 1989, and retained the high-paying jobs we had at the time, perhaps things would have been different. Perhaps there would have been the patter of little cub-feet down the hall.
However, I must say that having children was never a goal of mine. I never dreamed of having a family, and pretty much planned on staying single my whole life. A desire to retain my inner child and the freedom to jump up and go where I want when I want has pretty much remained the chorus of my anthem.
I don't dislike kids as a rule - as a matter of fact, I have more often than not ended up with all the kids following me around at company picnics, because I'm the only one that will talk to them like real people and play games with them while their parents swill beer and eat barbecue. I enjoy holding babies, and kids are kind of fun - as long as someone else takes them home.
When I am in a public place and children are around, I find that most often it is not the children that irk me, it's the parents. Parents who don't step up to the plate and discipline their kids are not only doing a disservice to the rest of us who are trying to enjoy the movie/store/park/restaurant/whatever - they are doing major damage to the child who will grow up thinking that they are, in fact, the center of the universe, and that the rest of us are here merely to cater to their every whim. It's a cold hard world and kids that are allowed to run amok will learn the hard way from hard people one day, if their parents don't care enough to teach them how to act while they have them at home.
I have found myself in the odd situation where complete strangers have called me selfish to my face after asking me the extremely personal question of whether I have children or not. I have not yet come to understand how my choice not to have children deprives these people of something. Which it would have to do, if I was being "selfish".
To my way of thinking, my choice not to have children is actually the least selfish thing I could do. I am choosing not to add people to this already overcrowded planet. I am choosing not to bring a person into this world whom I am not able to adequately provide for. If I had the financial stability that caring for a child requires, I would certainly adopt a child before I would have one of my own. The way I see it, there are already so many children that are here - so many that need love, need parents, need everything. I will admit that the women on those reality shows popping entire baseball teams out of their vaginas make me more than a little sick.
Some of the benefits of being child-free that I enjoy are:
* My husband and I are completely focused on each other. Our love is not diluted or distracted or divided - and we can express our love whenever we wish, in whatever way we wish, in any room that we wish, as loudly as we wish. It's like the best sleepover party ever, and it will last as long as we do.
* I am free to read, sleep, eat, and enjoy my free time without encumbrance.
* I am completely unaffected by the world of PTA/BabiesRUs/babysitters/Barney/prom night bashes/mini-skirt and makeup wars/underage drinking and drug probems, and am unutterably happy to be so.
Some of the things that may not be so great about being child-free are:
* I wonder who will spend time with me when I am old, or care for me when I am aged. Not that having kids guarantees that they will not turn out to be arseholes and leave you alone anyway... but not having kids pretty much guarantees that no one will be around when your teeth are falling out.
* Almost every man that I have ever loved has given another woman children, either before or after we were together. I think that has added to my desire to remain child-free. It sets me apart.
* I think I would probably have been a good mom, and I will always wonder what that experience would have been like.
Another thing which puts me in the middle of the road as opposed to on one side or the other is that just because I choose not to have kids myself does not mean that I hate other people who choose to be parents. Obviously the human race would not continue if everyone stopped having children. That's just silly. And I don't see any reason that I should go around sporting "pro child-free lifestyle" tee shirts, hats, or bumper stickers. All of that crap just serves to create hatred and stir up judgemental behavior. It doesn't make any sense to become intolerant of other people's choices when their intolerance irritates me. Becoming part of the problem does not fix the problem.
I do wish that people would only have kids after loving, careful consideration, however. Mindless procreation by people incapable or unconcerned with caring for the children is, in my mind, a crime against the children and against society. People that have children to "save" a marriage, or to get attention from other people, or to use them as pets or accessories are all too common.
5 comments:
You must take a test and procure a license to operate a motor vehicle, kill a game animal, catch a fish, operate an amateur or professional radio station, build or improve a house, give someone a massage for which you are paid, exterminate insects, arthropods and rodents, trap animals, cut hair, apply cosmetics, sell real estate, as well as many other activities.
Anyone, however, no matter how eminently unsuited they may be for the task... may have as many children as they desire.
Makes me wonder at how the priorities were set....
I'm just sayin'....
Raising children is such a huge undertaking that I have never understood people who try to talk others into doing it or suggest that everyone should. We'd do a lot better if we shared the responsibility and fun like big extended families used to do. No one every seems to take anyone's kid just to hang out with without money being exchanged.
Time share kids that's the ticket.
people have often commented on how good i am with kids and wanted to know why i don't have any.
my response is: i don't want to HAVE children, i want to BE the child.
i love being about to do whatever i want to do, whenever i choose to do it. i am done beine a slave to other people's whimsy.
Thanks for the insightful comments, ma peeps!
Any detractors lurking out there? Fear not! I don't eat much.
Strange. I am turning 34 and I have always been vocal about not wanting children. I am still not certain, but I have finally met a man who I trust enough to not be terrified at the possibility. However, since I am hitting my mid-30s, and am in no financial place to have kids, it is unlikely. I still don't know if I will regret not having kids. Best not to think about it and just try to be happy.
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