Marcheline's Hotel Room Stories

THE HOTEL ROOM YOU HOPE TO GET

A recent post by Joan, author of Charleston Daily Photo, mentioned her recent woes trying to get a suitable hotel room. This reminded me of the nearly five years I spent as flight attendant, in a different hotel room every night. I collected my own series of odd hotel room stories, and have decided to share them here.

THE HOTEL ROOM YOU ACTUALLY GET

We've all heard the stories about the blacklight tests performed on hotel bedspreads, remote controls, and other surfaces, and the myriad disgusting things found there, so I will let that rest.

However, each flight attendant develops his or her own regimented style of hotel room living. This was mine:

* Prop the door open with your suitcase. With another member of the flight crew standing at the open doorway, enter the room and perform a systematic search for intruders. Behind the floor-length curtains, behind the tall bureau in the corner, under the bed, in the closets, inside extra-large drawers in low bureaus, behind shower curtain in bathroom. Once the room has been declared intruder free, the thumbs-up is given to the crew member in the hallway. Then inquire whether that crew member has someone to go with them to their room, or if they'd like you to go with them.

This security search is to be performed every time you enter the room. If you go out to dinner, out to a club, or even downstairs to hang out in the lounge with the crew, a new search is to be performed when coming back to the room. It's essential to make sure that when you lock the door behind you, the only person you're locking in is yourself.

Of course, along with this preventative measure goes something called "using your brain". Don't go walking or running alone in a strange city at night or early in the morning. Always make sure someone in your crew knows where you are if you do go out alone while on an overnight. The number one goal when traveling is coming home safe and well.

* Upon entering the room and stashing your suitcase on the stand or bureau, take the top corner of the bedspread and fold it down to the bottom of the bed, fold it down again, and push it completely off the end of the bed. Some flight attendants I've flown with have been so careful as to carry their own sheets and pillowcases with them or to immediately request that the bed be changed with fresh sheets upon their arrival, but I've found that unless the hotel is particularly seedy, that's not necessary.

* Never, under any circumstances, use the coffee maker in a hotel room. People use them to wash their underwear in, and the hotel maids clean them with the same sponges that they scrub the tub and toilets with. Grit your teeth and wait until you can get a cup of coffee down in the breakfast bar or once you're out in town or back at the airport.

* When checking in, ask at the front desk for a few extra large towels. I have long hair, and thus need one towel for my head and one for the rest of me. Some hotels only place one large towel and one washcloth in their flight crew rooms.

* As a courtesy, before leaving a hotel room, I always take all the used towels, cloths, and mats, and place them in the tub for easy retrieval, and throw away all opened shampoo envelopes, tissues, and detritus in the waste can. Being a maid has to suck enough, without people leaving the rooms looking like a pig stye. A little respect never hurts.

THE HOTEL ROOM YOU HOPE TO GET

In my years of travel, I have collected some odd stories involving hotel rooms. Here are a few that stick out in my mind:

* Someone had given me a motion-activated doorknob alarm as a gift. This device hangs on the hotel room doorknob and shrieks incredibly loudly if someone tries to get in the room. I had the alarm activated and hanging on my door. I went to bed, and while I was sleeping I had an extremely vivid dream about an old boyfriend coming to visit me. When I woke up the next morning to get ready for work, I walked into the bathroom and the toilet seat was up. I froze when I saw it, and immediately inspected the room and the door lock. Nothing had been touched, the deadbolt was still locked on the room door, and my doorknob alarm was still in place and activated. I have no explanation for how that toilet seat got put up. Unless the spirit of my old boyfriend had actually visited me and was playing tricks, of course.

* When staying overnight at LaGuardia airport in NYC, we stayed in a hotel that used to be a parking garage. The hallways were all tilted, and the rooms were at odd angles and of unusual construction. The room I was assigned had a lovely big bed... but the rest of the room was only one foot away from the edges of the bed, all the way around. I had to turn sideways to walk around it to get in! Bear came to visit me on that stay, and we had a Chinese take-out picnic on the bed. Cramped, but fun!

* At the end of one long day, my crew arrived at the hotel to find that the hotel had been mis-informed as to how many crew members there were, so two of us had no room assigned. At the end of a trying day, the last thing you want to do is wrangle for a room, or be left waiting in the lobby. The first officer and I decided to let the rest of the crew go to their rooms, and we waited for the hotel to come up with something for us. When we were finally given our keys, we saw that our rooms were several floors above the rest of the crew. I put the key in the door, which opened into a rather lovely.... livingroom. I stood there staring, wondering where the heck the bed was. And then my eyes drifted to the corner of the room, and the spiral staircase that beckoned! My room had TWO FLOORS! Upstairs was a lovely king sized bed, and a full sized dining room with chandelier. SCORE!!!! Sometimes, it pays to be the nice guy. I decided to splurge and order room service, and ate in style at my own dining room table, gazing out over whatever city I was in through floor-to-ceiling windows. What a treat.

* In a rather dingy, small hotel somewhere in America, I had jumped into the shower for an early morning takeoff. I was running a bit late, and was trying to get my arse in gear. Once my hair was washed, I ripped back the crappy plastic shower curtain and reached to grab my towel. There, on the bathroom mirror, written in the steam, were the words, "I CAN SEE YOU NAKED". I froze, then quickly grabbed my towels. My blood was pounding, every nerve on edge, as I ran to the door to see if the lock was still in place. It was. Then I searched the room - everything was secure. By the time I got back to the bathroom, the steam had dissipated and I noticed that the mirror looked clean. I ran the hot water again, steamed the bathroom back up again, and the letters reappeared. I collapsed with relief and laughed at the person who'd stayed in that room before me. Tricky bastards and lazy maids conspired to scare the bejeebers out of me.

* When our crews overnighted in New York City, we most often stayed in the hotel dubbed "The Mildew Plaza" - an old, crumbly, moldy piece of history that offered cheap lodgings in the heart of the action. It was the kind of place that you didn't mind too much because you could walk out the front door and be slam dunk in the middle of the action. Restaurants, theaters, street vendors, the works. I had gone to the flight crew desk to get my room key, and headed on up to get settled in. Bear was due to meet me there later, and I wanted to get freshened up and out of those polyester airline duds. As I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by an odd sound... the sound of - water running? Then my eyes focused on a half-full glass of beer on the nightstand. On the bed was an open suitcase, a large leather wallet, and a man's suit laid out. They had given me the key to an occupied room! Ni-i-i-i-ce. When I went back down to the lobby, I asked the desk clerk if they could possibly see their way clear to get me my very own room, and oh, by the way - could they possibly, please not issue a copy of MY ROOM KEY to SOMEONE CHECKING IN? okthanxbai

* In one of my more inspired moments, I decided that the ultra-square, boring hotel room I was in needed a little pick-me-up for people who paid attention. So I took down the cheesy fake-brass-framed pictures on the wall, took them apart, and drew tiny pixies and fairies peeking out from behind the flowers and grass, then put the pics back in their frames. From across the room, you'd never know they were there - only someone who pays very close attention to detail would ever see them. Wonder if anyone ever did?

THE HOTEL ROOM YOU ACTUALLY GET