My new pipe came!

I am thrilled with it!

Four days off.... whoopie

I have four entire days off from work - just the way the schedule worked out - and I had great plans of romping around the house, cleaning it up, taking the plants out of the windows, cleaning out the old leaves, taking down the Yule tree and cleaning everything in the livingroom...

As it turns out, Bear is sick with a hacking lung-butter cough and I am feeling as if every bit of my energy is going into fighting off the same thing. We live in a tiny cottage, so there's really no getting away from each others' germs.

Ah, well - I may still try to take the tree down today, before it folds in on itself completely and dumps all of the ornaments onto the floor. The cats have been trying to help by slamming into the tree at every opportunity, seeing how many ornaments they can make fall. I think they have a points system worked out in their little game - two points for the glass ornaments, one point each for the non-breakable ones...

A supervisor came out on the floor and plugged into my radio on Thursday to monitor my progress. My OJT trainer was not allowed to help me, so I floundered a bit on the tough calls but I think I handled myself well for the most part. Talk about sweaty palms! I was glad that at one point several pilots were calling me at the same time and I calmly asked them to say their call signs and stand by. I made a list, and called them one by one in order and took their reports, just like a real radio operator. Some people freak out and panic when they get a bunch of people on the radio at once, but for some reason that's one thing that I'm good at - keeping order and telling people to stand by while I get stuff done. It's the only way, or they'll run all over you.

I just found out that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to be renting a mansion right here on Long Island for the duration of the filming of her next movie. Not much chance that I'll run into her at the grocery store, but hey - anything could happen, I suppose. Not that my little cottage is anywhere close to the 8-bedroom mansion they're renting, of course...

Just got word that my Sevket Gezer meerschaum pipe is being shipped out to me today! I'm so excited!!! I've already got some aromatic tobacco to start with, next I have to find a pipe lighter. Matches will have to do, to start with. Some pipe smokers swear by matches, but for ease I think I'll try to get a pipe lighter.

I'd like to ask everyone out there to keep your paws crossed for Bear. A new position is opening up in my company soon, and I've got him slated to come in for a test and interview. This could really be a big break for us, as the economy and job market are still sucking and he's only working a temporary contract right now which could end any day. His working with me would mean so much to us, as we would get to see each other more often, could share rides to work thus saving gas/vehicle wear and tear, and the job itself is a really good one, with union benefits and set pay raises, etc. We might actually be able to start a savings account and get our finances in order with this opportunity.

So pray or chant or dance barefoot or sing show tunes or send good energy or whatever it is that you do to wish good fortune!

Out with despair! Let crazy reign forever.

And so, with over a thousand dollars in cesspool bills behind me, we came to the Week of Car Inspections.

Now, at first glance, this doesn't seem to be too insurmountable a hill. Only $40 each vehicle, takes about an hour, in and out - no problem! My truck needed a strut replaced. Inspection plus repair, $145. Bear's SUV needed brakes. Inspection plus repair, $150.

But, see, now I'm on a roll. I'm past the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. Yes, I am. Screw it! The cosmos wants to take me down that road? I'm on board!

Which is all just a drum roll for the exciting new purchase I just made. In the teeth of inclement finances, as it were.

You see, for the past five or six years I have been dreaming of owning a Sevket Gezer pipe. Who is Sevket Gezer, you might well ask. I think he is my long-lost Turkish grandfather, but that's another story for another time. Here's what I found out about him so far:

Son of a meerschaum miner and carver, Sevket was born in Eskisehir, Turkey in 1955. Sevket decided to become a pipe maker at the age of 15. After a brief apprenticeship in Eskisehir, he moveded to the village of Margi and worked under various carvers, including Sadik Ercan and Ali Selver. It was during his eight year partnership with Salim that Sevket's unique floral designs began to develop. Sevket decided to form a partnership with his brothers Kudret and Mesut which lasted for five years. He has been on his own since 1992, after his brothers decided to move to Eskisehir.

The best website showcasing Mr. Gezer's artwork that I have found so far is the site belonging to Altinok Pipes. If you have even a slight interest in intricate hand-detailed carving, go run around on that site for a while. Your eyes will feast and be satisfied, and probably require a cigarette afterward.

Sevket Gezer's intricate and beautiful pipes run from around $170 up to $300, and I think he has a few great works that sell in the six hundred range. Which explains why I have only been drooling over them and not snapping them up like candy.

HOWEVER.

I was fortunate enough to stumble across a Sevket Gezer pipe on ebay... the starting bid was only $75, and shipping was free! I watched the auction for a few days, certain that at any moment someone with a brain would bid on this pipe. The pictures are amazingly detailed, and you can see Sevket's signature scrawl on the shank. Surely people were not going to let this beauty go unclaimed at that amazing price!

After a few days of amazement, I decided to go ahead and stick a bid in, but only for the bid opening price of $75. I told myself that this wasn't exactly like buying anything, because I was not going to raise my bid. As soon as someone with a brain saw this pipe sitting there with one bid on it, at that price, I would be outbid and the bid wars would no doubt begin with other bidders.

Day two, and no one else had bid. Day three, and I was still the only bidder. I had to come clean to Bear, and tell him what I had done. I know I have no business spending money on a "toy" when we are being drowned like rats by credit card debt, but I honestly thought I would be outbid by now. Bear laughed and said that $75 wasn't going to kill us one way or another, and that I deserved to have this beautiful pipe if I wanted it - especially if they were going to let it go for such a crazy price. Have I mentioned that I love that man?

Long story longer, I won the bid! Even though I can't mail the payment until Tuesday, as today is Sunday and Monday is a holiday, and that will mean I won't get the pipe for a week or so, I CAN show it to you.... and here it is!

I would love to go to Turkey and visit Sevket Gezer. If I was younger, I would go and become his apprentice. I would learn Turkish, and sit around carving pipes and telling stories and drinking Turkish tea.

If only reincarnation was voluntary... these are the lives I would live, in no particular order

• Actor

• Fighter pilot

• Meerschaum pipe carver

• Pub owner in Scotland

The latest stuff

Right now, I'm supposed to be getting ready for work. But I'm not. Why? Because it's Saturday, and I'm still having my coffee, and the redcoats have marched, and I don't feel like it, that's why.

Technically, this is my Monday, as I had the last two days off. I was planning on taking down the brittle remains of our Yule tree. I was planning on cleaning out the windowsills where my potted plants live. Instead, I paid bills and did some errands, during which I forgot several things at the grocery that I meant to pick up, and sent off my meerschaum pipe to be repaired.

I was worried about sending off my beloved little pipe for repair (What if they steal it and never send it back? It's one of a kind!) but then I realized that I didn't buy the pipe to become a dust-collector on my shelf, I bought it to smoke it. So I sent it off to the repairman, and am waiting to see what happens.

The five containers of Narcissus on my kitchen table are blooming and filling the house with their sweet scent. This year my mother AND my aunt decided to send me bulbs, so I had to run around and find enough containers to hold them. Bear and I made a special trip to the beach to find enough rocks to root them on, but now the table looks positively fettthhhhhtive!

Had a bit of a scare recently, as PayPal informed me that my account had been broken into and unauthorized transactions had taken place. As usual, this meant that the onus was on me to go to the bank and open a new account and close my old account, and my PayPal account is frozen (how convenient! not!!) while they try to figure out what happened. Ah, PayPal, "the safer, easier way to pay".... they just haven't figured out how to make theft uncomfortable for the thief rather than the victim.

Read a fantastic book the other day - "The Good Guy" by Dean Koontz. My favorite part was that the main characters were actually interesting people. Usually the bad guy is given all the interesting bits, but I really loved the good guys in this one. It's an easy read, finished it in two days - could have done it in one day, but started it at the mechanic's shop while waiting for my truck to get inspected.

Well, as I now have only one short hour to get ready for work, I suppose I'd better stop blathering and get to primping. Thank goodness my new job has a casual dress code. I surely couldn't coax myself into panty hose and heels on a day like this!

And now for something cheerful

I have no idea what this is, a television sitcom, a reality show, whatever - but I really don't care. I just watched this video and laughed my ass off, and thought that perhaps you might enjoy a pre-weekend chuckle yourselves. Kids can be so refreshing, when they're smart enough to be really funny. Enjoy.

Happy Birthday, Dadder. I miss you!

AND NOW! Marcheline's Steamy But Short-Lived Stardom

I am reaching that stage in my life where I realize that I am getting older. Not less fun, just less likely to throw on a pair of leather pants with chains on them and head out for the biker bar.

Now that I've known you for so many years, Dear Readers, I finally feel comfortable enough to give you a glimpse into my steamy and sordid past. When I lived in Nashville, I was a dancer in a.... (gasp).... country music video!!!

I know, I know, this is a lot to take in. Take a moment if you need to. Go get a cold one. I'll still be here when you get back.

I may have actually mentioned this whole "dancing in a music video" thing once or twice in past entries, but it was a long time ago, and hey - I'm getting old. Deal with it.

Anyway, I sat here today and documented each of the heart-stoppingly exciting times that I appear (however briefly) in the video. Partly because I'm craving some attention, and partly because I know you're going to want to follow along, pausing the video at the appropriate points to admire my former hotness. I know that's what I'd do if I were you.

Please try to go on living your lives normally hereafter, Dear Readers. Do not let yourselves become overwhelmed with envy at my soaring stardom, which lasted all of a month while the video had air-time on Country Music Television.

Please try and look past the shining glory of my hair and see that the real star of the video is Ricky Van Shelton. He may only be five feet tall, but the man is singing the song, people! Well, actually, he was lip synching the song. All day long. In a smoke-filled warehouse. Eight hundred takes. With me, dancing as if the world would never end. All day long. In a smoke-filled warehouse.

Try your best not to wish your lives away, wanting what I had that day, which was about $80 and a couple of handfuls of popcorn. I know it's difficult, but I feel that you are up to the challenge.

And so, I present to you the music video rundown, (complete with annotated screen caps in Harry Potter font!!) which lists the time hacks at which I appear, along with some well-placed commentary. By well-placed, I mean over top of anyone in the picture who is skinnier than me.

Why have I done this, you ask? Because I know you all care so very deeply. I'm just that generous.

And so, we begin!

0:02
Here I am in the OPENING SCENE!
In a vintage car!
With a boy!

0:03

0:08
This is what's called "stage dancing".
It's an intricate bit of film magic that involves
standing in front of a stage and... DANCING.

0:36

0:52
OH, the armbands, the armbands!
Who could resist me, the dancing biker chick!

1:17
Back in the car with that boy
again (what a hussy!)

1:32
I mesmerize you with my dancing snake hands!
Mwahahaha!

1:35
Just a kiss...
Please, folks, this is a family show!

1:42
The traditional headbanger's hair-shake.
I duz it.

2:07
Here's where I really make my big debut -
a full body camera shot from the front!
See my black tank top and ripped up jeans!
How bad-ass am I? Very, very bad-ass.

2:14

2:22

2:31
An absolutely stunning silhouette of my
studded armbands in motion over my head!

2:36
Notice how stoked the guitar player is.
This is because he is viewing my
excellent dance moves.

2:36 and a half

2:36 and three quarters
I flash my black-spandex-covered
butt cheeks in a fluid spin.

2:36 and five eighths

very nearly 2:37

2:47

2:50
Ignore that chick in the black hat.
See me gyrate!

2:51

2:53
Back in front of the stage again,
I employ my signature "back-leaning hip-thrust"
to great advantage.
Even though Ricky isn't looking at me.

2:57


3:08

3:08 and three tenths
Woot! A spinning hair toss caught on camera!
My talents are apparently endless!

3:09

3:10

For those of you who aren't already puking in your Post Toasties, here's the actual video. At least you know where to look for the really important parts, you know, the ones with ME in them...

And now, from the archives of greatness, Marcheline brings you the latest installment of "NICHOLAS CULPEPER SAYS"

Nicholas Culpeper, 1616-1654
Author of "Culpeper's Complete Herbal"

The water of Nightshade helps pains in the head coming of heat. Take heed you distil not the deadly Nightshade instead of the common, if you do, you may make mad work. Let such as have not wit enough to know them asunder, have wit enough to let them both alone till they do.

Welcome to my life, or: How to get $1,000 deeper in debt in just four days!

Ah, hahahahaaaaaa! La dee da and tra la laaaaa! We started the week off with $576 being chucked out the window (or, rather, flushed down the toilet, as it were, thank you very mucho), but kids, that was just the beginning!

Because! Yes!! There was more money to be added to the pile of debt on my credit card! Oh, yes there was!

Plumber man arrived this afternoon to install the sump pump which his secretary had assured me was "very inexpensive". When he told me the grand total was four hundred and twenty-five simoleons, I nearly passed out.

Then he said it would be cheaper if I paid cash, so I was hoping that the cash discount might be pretty good. What would that total be?, I asked him, my brow glistening in naive optimism.

"Three-eighty", he said.

I asked him in for a cup of coffee and plied him with home-made banana bread from my mother's fantastic recipe. We chit-chatted for almost two hours, at which point I mentioned going to the bank to get his fee.

Up until the very moment the cash left my hand, I truly believed it was possible he'd take pity on me and say, "Gee, kid, take some of this back, that was great coffee and the homemade banana bread was the best thing I've ever tasted."

I am such a sucker.

If I don't blog too much in the next few weeks, it's because I'm up on Highway 9 turning tricks to pay off my credit card bill.

Poop! Poop! My life is full of POOP!

Gentle Readers, yet another wonderful day has dawned here in POOP WORLD! Yes, oh, yes.... but hey, it gave me another great opportunity to use this photo of large inflatable dog turds! See, there's a silver lining to every cesspool!

Last night at 10:30 my tenants called to say that their toilet and tub had spontaneously erupted all over the bathroom. Silver lining: it was clean water. This, after the cesspools had been pumped out twice in two days. Called the company again, and they said that it was probably caused by a blockage that had just self-corrected when the upstairs tenant drained yet another friggin' bathtub full of water. It shouldn't happen again, as far as they know. But they said they'd come by in the morning to see if the trap needed to be roto-rootered.

This morning, I awoke to MY kitchen sink not draining... what??? Another plumbing disaster? YAY!!!!! I took a little walk around the cottage to find that MY trap vent pipe had piles of toilet paper around it, and a pool of water on the ground underneath. Oh, joy!!!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the basement pump in the front house has died (moment of silence) and the plumber is on his way over here as I type this, in order to install a new one. Have no idea what the charge for THAT will be.

The cesspool guys showed up bright and early this morning, and found that they had to dig up the pipe behind the cottage and roto-root that as well, and then they brought the truck back to pump the main cesspool by the front house, and the whole thing cost me $243. In addition to the $433 they charged me the other day.

So, let's see - the grand total so far is $576, and the plumber hasn't even arrived yet.

It looks like I will have no other choice than to go and take money out with my credit card to put in my checking account, or the mortgage won't get paid this month. I have never done that in my life, ever - not one time in forty-two years. But there's no other way, short of knocking over a convenience store. So here goes.

La la la, tra la laaaaaa, I just LOVE LIFE so much right now I could burst into flames! You know how flammable methane gas is...


***** (Later)******

At least Brezny is on my side here - feel free to join in the prayer army!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): When gasoline prices soared last year, a Christian group called Pray at the Pump organized vigils at gas stations, where they prayed for God's intervention. No one knows if their efforts were the cause, but the cost of gas did begin to plummet soon afterward. Inspired by their work, I have asked my team of non-denominational Prayer Warriors to gather in your behalf. Every evening for the next ten days, they will be calling on their connections with the Divine Wow to help you Sagittarians come up with smart and practical long-term plans for your financial well-being. On your end, you can supercharge their efforts by doing the appropriate research and meditation.

And then? There are days like THIS

Was supposed to get up early this morning and take the truck to get inspected but realized that after paying cesspool company four hundred dollars two days ago cannot afford to get truck inspected until next paycheck, note to self: do not drive anywhere but to work and home, got up to find two emails from paypal saying that my account has been breached and purchases totalling one hundred and fifty-five dollars have been made, charged to my debit card and my bank account, my account is now in limbo, so I called the bank to find out if the money had been taken out or not and they said some of it had but that I would have to close my account and open another one, so I called paypal first and they said they had no idea whether the thief accessed only my paypal account or had my bank account information so I went out in the pouring rain to the bank and opened a new account, for which the bank will only issue me one debit card instead of two like I had before, so now Bear cannot carry a cash card from our main account to pick up groceries and get gas in his truck with, and when I finally got home I see a huge puddle around the cover of the cesspool that I just paid four hundred dollars to get pumped out day before yesterday and now they are on their way over to "see what happened" and this is supposed to be my day off and now I'm completely bummed out and sitting around waiting for the cesspool guys yet again, and I have to admit that sometimes I just feel like giving up because every time I open my eyes there is another piano falling out of a five story window just above my head, and this afternoon I was supposed to go to the dermatologist and then work out at the gym with a friend of mine but right now I don't want to do any of that at all, so I have had a good cry and I think I will go down to the kitchen and see if there's anything good to eat.

Some post-holiday cheer

A TREEEEEE!

(Which a certain someone immediately adopted)

Can you guess who?

Tree Protective Position Alpha

Self appointed Guardian of the Tree



Hiding out from all the holiday hubbub



Yet more merriment!
Out of focus merriment!

Warm banana bread by the light of falling snow...
MMMMMMMMM!

HO HO HO!