Okay, so I was wrong...

Sadly, this promo poster for the Golden Globe Awards was spot on... minus the scissors, that is. Ricky was hardly even IN the darn show, and his jokes sounded like they came out of a tin can bearing a Dharma Initiative label. No telling how long they'd been in there.



Possibly his funniest joke of the night (and that not so much) referenced the movie that Mel Gibson made with Jodie Foster. He said he was told not to mention Jodie Foster's beaver... then added an aside that none of the men in the room had seen it, either. It was as uncomfortable as the armpit area of the dress Ms. Foster was wearing.


In the "credit where credit is due" department, we have a trim and handsome Ricky Gervais, in a gorgeous wine-colored suit with black accents. He did his best, as always. I blame the writers and producers for hog-tying his performance.


Easy on the Eyes Awards go to:

Kate Winslet, who is still so creamy and fresh you just want to spread her on a scone and eat her up.


Gerard Butler, whose tousled locks and sparkly eyes combine perfectly with his Scottish burr to create the effect of a recently imbibed glass of champagne.


Oh, Those Awkward Moments Awards go to:


Madonna, (her dress was truly lovely, if very boob-punishing) who managed to turn her acceptance speech for an award for a SONG she wrote into an acceptance speech as though the movie she directed had won an award.... which it didn't. If I had a dollar for every time she said "MY MOVIE" during her speech, I could buy a pizza. A big pizza.


To Ricky's credit, he really did try very hard to get a comedic exchange going with Johnny Depp, but the fact that Mr. Depp was a) stoned out of his mind and unable to form a cohesive sentence and b) suffering from a case of lice sort of put a damper on things.

It was difficult to concentrate on Ricky's desperate attempts to get an intelligible answer from Johnny, because Johnny kept reaching up to scratch various areas of his greasy, degenerate hairdo. I just hope there were little bottles of hand sanitizer in the gift bags that night. Ew. Seriously, dude - you make a meeeeellion dollars every time you fart, do you think you could, I dunno, SHOWER before an awards show? Shampoo is cheap!


Classiest and Most Moving Presentation and Acceptance Speech Award goes to:


Honestly, I can't tell you which was more emotional for me... the presentation of the Cecil B. DeMille award by Sidney Poitier and Helen Mirren, or the acceptance speech by Morgan Freeman. It was a warm moment in an otherwise awkward program, with respect and love emanating from both sides. Very touching. Reminded us all, just for a brief moment, what it means to dedicate your life to a craft, and to be appreciated for that dedication. It's so gratifying to see anyone being encouraged, being told that their life was well lived, that people all over the world are looking forward to their next endeavor. Sniff...


David Bowie Wannabe Award goes to:


I started out this paragraph ready to trash Tilda Swinton for her style choice here... and as I kept writing, I realized that I actually admire her for not giving a good goddamn that she showed up for a "beautiful people" awards show looking like one of David Bowie's 1980's alter-egos. So I erased that paragraph, and now you're stuck with this one.


Most Comfortable, Funny, and Titillating Presenter Award goes to:


George Clooney! I don't think he even read a word off the prompters. Earlier in the night, Brad Pitt had come onstage using a cane due to a recent foot injury. George stole the cane for his presentation later in the show, and since the two of them are great friends in real life, the gag came off funny but warm and enjoyed by all. I get the feeling George Clooney is a pretty nice guy. But that aside, he smattered his chatter with a little titillating tittle-tattle regarding Michael Fassbender's part in the new movie "Shame".



Apparently Mr. Fassbender (who I developed a crush on in the recently-remade "Jane Eyre") appears sans fards (I believe the actual words used were "full frontal") in the new flick, and George even went so far as to say Fassbender could play golf with both hands tied behind his back. Hmmmmm.... wonder if "Shame" is at the library yet?



Stunning Queen of the Night Award goes to (as if you didn't know what I was going to say here):

Angelina!

She really pulled out all the stops with this one. Class, elegance, an absolutely perfect fit. Just the right shade of red in the accents: perfectly matched lipstick, dress collar, handbag, and toenail polish. Sexy yet sovereign. The dress hugged her every inch without a trace of trashiness. She looked like an empress from another dimension. As if her timeship awaited departure just behind the big Golden Globe banners...




Queen of the Night runner-up:

When the cast of the TV show "Homeland" got up on stage to accept an award, I zeroed in on this statuesque beauty. Having never seen the show, I'd never seen her either, and I didn't know her name. Thanks to the interwebs, I now know that Morena Baccarin is the synonym for "exquisite".